What “Pirates” needs if they’re reeeeeeeally determined to keep milking this cow.

After a trip to California this last weekend, I snuck out to see the latest Pirates flick, hoping it would be better than the last one (which was the worst of the franchise.)
It was okay as a flick, but I didn’t walk out loving it. I don’t know if it’s my age or frame of reference or whatever, but the movies that used to do it for me way back when are no longer working for me. (Though plenty of you liked it, and I’m glad)
The Curse of the Black Pearl came out in 2003. I didn’t see it opening day, but I planned to. I think it’s only real competition that year in terms of blockbusters was the bad Hulk film, and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (which I still have a soft spot for). My little brother saw Pirates before I did, and the next day he couldn’t stop talking about it. Anyone who knows him knows that he’s not the guy to give you a blow-by-blow rundown of a movie. He never gets that excited about it. So I knew this was a big deal.
I loved it, like most people. Even took my grandma to see it. Then in 2006 Dead Man’s Chest hit theaters, and I liked, even if a lot of other people didn’t. Totally made my summer, especially with X-Men 3 and Superman Returns being mutual letdowns.
And I don’t care what anyone said, At Worlds End was great. The magic was there through all three movies.
The problem with the last two was that they were both color-by-numbers attempts to replicate a product without recapturing that magic. Yes, you have a cool intro for Jack, a whimpy tagalong, a feisty love interest, and a scary villain. There’s a MacGuffin. There are monsters and curses. There are quippy one liners…but it never came together. I was looking at pieces glued together like ransom-paste cut out of magazines: I would rather see a masterpiece.
Dead Men Tell No Tales was at least better than On Stranger Tides.
But I think the lesson we learned is that Jack is the main character, the anti-hero, but he can’t carry this franchise by himself. What’s worse, he can’t use a supporting cast of no-names playing bit parts. Penelope Cruz was really good in OST, and the Thwaite/Scodelario duo had chemistry (even if their roles and dialogue were…not great).
But if you’re going to make a Pirates film, you need Jack, and Will, and Elizabeth.
(And a great story and writing, but that should go without saying.)

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