Buy my mom’s house in Henderson, NV.

For years, you’ve wanted to be a legit Old Hendersonian.

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You’ve wanted to live within walking distance of the Water Street District, where you can eat a different culture’s food every day of the week.

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Where old men in white smocks cut your hair with hand-sharpened scissors and tell you stories about The War.

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A place where whatever grocery store across from Wal-Mart is trying to survive this week. (Is it a Sav-On? It’s Albertson’s. No, it’s Haagens? No, it’s an Albertson’s again…)

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Well, you no longer have to dream about being closer to Target AND Walgreens AND Friendly’s Donuts AND Johnny Mac’s AND Cinedome 12, with its $4 Tuesday Tickets and the same ticket-tearing lady who’s been there since I was 11.

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Yes, all of this is within your reach, because a home just went up for sale in…THE TRIANGLE! Specifically, my mom’s house!

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You can be the envy of your friends as you step out into your front yard, look west, and gaze upon the industrial masterpiece that is Timet Industries! They make titanium there, how cool is that?!

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And it’s right behind the James I. Gibson Library, which used to be by City Hall, but has since moved closer. About 90% closer. It’s on  your doorstep, giving you The Look, and jangling its keys. Once you own this classy, revamped, War-era house, you’ll have that last 10% right at your fingertips.

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Directly east of your new Legit Hendo House is the leggitest Discount Tire Store in the whole valley, designation “NVL01”. I worked there in high school when it was a much less classy outfit than it is now.

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A decade ago, many Triangle houses were derelict or outright abandoned. In just the last year or two, many of Mom’s neighbors have redone their houses, and the neighborhood on the whole is looking a lot better, which is why these houses have gone up in value. That, and the location.

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In fact, here’s a short list of what’s within a mile or so of your new place:

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-Walgreens

-St. Rose Hospital

-Capriotti’s

-Albertson’s (for now…)

-Chevron/Terrible’s

-McDonald’s

-Del Taco, El Pollo Loco, Subway, Jimmy John’s, Carl’s Jr. (same shopping center)

-Target, PetSmart, Staples, Marshall’s, and Big Lots (also same shopping center)

-The Henderson Convention Center

-The Farmer’s Market (every Thursday)

-Jack in the Box, Sonic, Wendy’s, Arby’s, Pep Boys, and the US Post Office…all next door to each other.

-And that’s not even counting the Wal-Mart on the corner of Lake Mead and Boulder.

For crying out loud, you’re less than two miles from Cinedome 12 (the cheap seats!), Johnny Mac’s (wings! pizza! ribs!), Friendly’s Donuts (JUST ASK ANYONE IN TOWN), and the Sunset Pizzeria.

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The only Old Henderson Landmark not inside that circle is the El Torito restaurant, which was teleported out of Mexico thirty years ago and is still serving the same recipes today. Deadpool himself would swear by these chimichangas, and we all know how Deadpool likes to swear.

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But enough about the neighborhood perks! What about the house perks?

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Well, my mom bought the place in 2009, after having to sell the house I grew up in off of Pacific and Horizon. Check out the B&A:

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You’re getting new paint inside and out.

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New windows, all up to city code.

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Plenty of new plumbing and fixtures (including for the kitchen, hall bath, and laundry.)

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Three of the rooms couldn’t even be used when she moved in. Now the house has 4 bedrooms and 2 renovated bathrooms, plus:

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A walk-in pantry

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A spacious living room and family room

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Tile and laminate flooring

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AC and a swamp cooler

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A 12′ storage shed out back

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And 2 driveways out front on either side of the property. (3, if you count the pull-through.)

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Heck, you’ve even got pomegranate trees in the backyard, and fertile soil full of fertilizer from Mom’s two hyperactive egg-laying hens. Those planter boxes have more chicken crap in them than Green Valley High School’s entire athletic roster.

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Mom’s been able to run a full-time business out of this house, with two 12-foot wide longarm quilting machines, the whole time she’s been there.

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The downside of that is that her house has been full of business-related stuff, and she’s the only one living there, so most people who walk through have only seen a house full of unidentifiable quilting stuff that might or might not be used to conceal the activities of a serial killer–and I can’t think of anything more Vintage Henderson than that.

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Not to worry, though–Mom’s bringing that stuff with her when she moves into my basement in Utah.

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So if you’re in the market for a Hendo House, seize your chance to own a legend! Her agents Sherrie ((702) 525-4316) and Mary ((702) 281-0322) will get you a showing.

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Or be a sweater vest sellout and buy a boxy little cookie-cutter shack in Green Valley that costs WAY more than it’s worth, plus an HOA. Don’t let me tell you what to do.