Category: Monday Mashups

Airplane slides off runway in Turkey

Stefon Diggs snatches an impossible victory away from the Saints

GM invents a car with no steering wheel or pedals…or need for a driver.

 

What with every house in America having one of those Google Home or Amazon Echo things in it, Skynet is actually starting to get a little…confused. Much like anyone who goes to a foreign country and tries to learn the language by osmosis, Skynet expects English-speakers to follow the rules of the language, without considering that people–especially Americans–might not give two craps about said rules.

In this case, though, the results are catastrophic. As General Motors relies heavily on Skynet to program its “self-driving” cars, Skynet starts learning how to operate a motor vehicle without input from the driver. This is all part of the rules. All according to plan.

Just like football. Football is popular in America, and football has a ton of rules! (Bill Belichick has broken most of them) It makes perfect sense for Skynet to study football so that it can better understand rules.

One of these rules, for example–and in Skynet’s defense, this one is unwritten–says that Drew Brees with a Ground Game and a Good Defense should never lose to a team led by Case Keenum.

It seemed like things were going to plan in the Saints @ Vikings game tonight. While the Minnesota Vikings had blown a 17-point lead, they did so with Case Freaking Keenum under center. But then, impossibly, they still somehow managed to win the game at the last second.

Skynet has been watching football for a while. This breaks all of the rules.

If the Vikings didn’t have to follow the rules, neither did Skynet. And neither did Skynet’s self-driving cars, courtesy of GM.

If Skynet wasn’t going to follow rules for cars, it wasn’t going to follow them for planes either. So Skynet tried to take over an airplane.

And treat it like a car.

Which didn’t follow rules.

Much like Stefon Diggs.

Now look what Skynet has done.

Skynet doesn’t get to fly planes anymore. Skynet is in time-out.

Bad Skynet.

 

Articles in the news this week:

Supermoon, Hollywood predators reined in, Bills end playoff drought.

In an alternate timeline, reality TV is revealed to be highly scripted, which comes as a shock to nobody, but the real scandal is when they find out that professional sports art rigged as well. Lebron James fed millions into The Machine to bring Cleveland a championship. The Chicago Cubs had to do the same thing.

Well, once the lid came off this conspiracy, the Buffalo Bills were rightly furious. After all, The Machine had blocked them from winning four Super Bowls in the 90s, then blocked them outright from the playoffs for almost two decades. They even forced them to endure the humiliation of having Rex Ryan as their coach for a while.

Now that things have changed in Hollywood, and all of these terrible people are being outed/fired/sent to prison, The Machine has glitched, and is scrambling hard to rescue its own automated reality programs like “The Bachelorette” and “Dancing With the Stars” (which Lindsey Stirling somehow did not win last year…rigged). With nobody at the controls of The Machine, the NFL has gone into Full-On Insane Mode, fueled by a Supermoon.

As such, the Seahawks have missed the playoffs, the Colts looked like a competent team, Pagano finally got fired, the Titans and Jags made the playoffs, the Ravens were kept out after Andy Dalton activated his secret Playoff Eli Powers, and as a result, the Buffalo Bills are in the playoffs.

It has been an era of reckoning for The Machine.